I bought EVERYONE'S Christmas present yesterday in one quick shopping trip to Leeds & even ended up £30 underbudget!!! (although that will easily go in gift wrapping & postage)...but I still feel that this is quite a feat for me, as i'm usually extremely disorganised, in the name of 'keeping things seasonal', i tend to run around in the dark, in a rush, probably on christmas eve...

anyway, there is only one thing on my own list to Santa Claus




although I very much doubt my family will overcome their strong aversion to dolls (which is odd, as every time I buy presents I overcome my own aversions to Heavy Metal and PC games!)

I have two days off as school is closed for Eid. I am supposed to be tidying up my cluttered shelves, then afterwards a rose-scented bath & the Laurence Olivier version of 'Wuthering Heights'.........and tea & toast with mulberry jam, yum yum yum.

outside the rain is icy; i'm very glad i don't have to go outside today.

I love going to Whitby, & when it is the Goth festival I especially love admiring everyone's amazing outfits......I wish i could get away with cyber dreads etc, I wish that I was young again!!! But, growing old has it advantages as T. & I get to stay in cosy attics by the sea & spend more money on bat jewelry, books galore & FOOD, we always seem to eat huge amounts of food in Whitby (it must be the sea air).

Yesterday we wandered around, bumping in to folk (hello Jess!) & made the huge mistake of postponing stuff (eg flying a bat kite, walking along cliff top, exploring rock pools etc) 'til today, but we were woken up towards dawn by a Noah's ark deluge of rain, & now i am home, i've had to hang up all my new clothes to dry out, as we were soaked to the skin walking thru' Whitby, trying to be all PerkiGoth but actually ending up looking like drowned bats. C'est la vie. It just makes me want to return to Whitby sooner, as I feel I've missed out on long-antici............pated treats.(Note gratuitous Rocky Horror reference)

Morrissey!!Whee!

we went to see 'the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus'




I might have discovered a way to lose weight..to distract myself with gorgeous films!driving home afterwards, we picked at all the holes in the plot, but it didn't matter one bit....its the dialogue I dislike in most Terry Gilliam movies; it always seems abit mawkish...I'm not too keen on heroic children either...but i do adore his visuals.

Came home feverish i think, for i half fell asleep on the sofa & had uncomfortable hallucinations & bizarre trains of thought. When i was younger, i used to take these episodes more seriously & sometimes base my actions & decisions on them (for instance creatures used to come in thru' the window, Bast, vampires etc & have conversations with me, give me advice etc!)

I'm older now & far more rational!

A precious precious day to myself:so I watched 'sleepy hollow'




read my tarot cards, read 'something wicked this way comes' (or at least a bit of it) drank a lot of jasmine tea, experimented with hair stles (I love my new fringe)..my free time will end in about quarter of an hour...T. has taken his holiday to coincide with mine, & I don't have the heart to tell him not to.....I was overcome by longing to have a kindred spirit to talk to this afternoon....I wanted to discuss the Tarot cards, the book I've read.....when i go to Whitby, i know I won't dare talk to anyone...it makes T. so angry if I do....last time i struck up a conversation,in a comic book shop, he was so furious i thought he might push me under a bus! I mean, obviously he didn't as his rage is all internal...manifesting only as furious silences & sulks & glares etc

Still, my escapist fantasies persist.

then again, maybe its not....



ah, its a nice thought, posing for the camera after all this time, and reassuring that in the Afterlife you get to be all slim & yummy again.

".....If there is horror in Innocence, it is of a dreamlike, fairytale variety - a gothic unease all the more discomforting because it is so hard to pin down....."




I was amazingly tense by the end...I was fully expecting something dreadful to happen....I wonder if that says something about me, more than the film itself?

there may have been a ghost this morning when i went to the hairdresser




it was my first time with this hairdresser, & it was only her third session at the salon.

The salon is in an old building, now converted for use into a series of therapy rooms...the rooms are unusual shapes, & the floors uneven...its all abit unsteady & uneven....it's very clear that a feng shui consultant wasn't involved with the conversrion!

Nonetheless, it is a lovely place, mirrors, plants, carpets, cushions galore...its not the sort of place to feel nervous at all; it is meant to make you feel relaxed.

Except you don't at all. There are shadows were there shouldn't be, and a sense of being watched....towards the end of my session, whilst my hair was being back combed, I saw in the mirror that behind me a framed photograph was falling oh so slowly from the wall, where it was balanced behing three glass jars of wood....I said to the hairdressr 'oh look!' & we turned to see it happen.....it fell to the floor & when we began to tidy up we discovered a pool of water from goodness knows where......the hairdresser said 'oh it must be the ghost' in a jokey way, but it led to a conversation where we both admitted we felt uncomfortable there.....

we tidyed up & my session contined. Then, all her business cards began to flutter down from the shelf, like falling leaves.....perhaps the room has subtle drafts?

Then both the doors leading out were jammed...we couldn't open them at all & again started to feel extremely uncomfortable....I said, 'look I want to get out!' & the door sprang open!

Now i know there are all kinds of rational explanations.....it just felt really unpleasant, even before the odd things happened & it was wierd how the photo seemed to remove itself from a secure position, it seemed to ease itself over the glass jars! And where did the water come from?

Spooky! I like to have a spooky adventure at least once a year (not too spooky though!)

if you are not feeling well and have come home early from work, it is good to lie on the sofa with a hot water bottle, rain lashing at the window, a dull afternoon & the room lit by scented candles and 'queen of the damned' on dvd (you don't have to think too hard about it, just look at the pretty pictures)

last night we watched 'Let the Right One In', which was lovely.

i'd have taken care of Eli too...i loved the way he'd scamper up trees!

getting a louise brook style hair do

and our school is closed for Eid, so T. & I headed straight for the Dales, specifically Burnsall.




it was quiet, a bit grey & rainy and absolutely perfect. We had lunch in the Red Lion, at a table next to an elderly nun & 2 priests & eavesdropped shamelessly to their conversation.





oh, & i'm about a third of the way thru' this




and loving it! I hope it doesn't fizzle out & that I'm giving it a prematurely good review....I was quite sceptical about it you see. Time will tell.(LATER: well, it turned out to be bollocks about 1/3 thru'!!!!)

but last night i got my absolute final last ever tattoo




my friend the tattooist had practised upon a grapefruit! I was his third time...first he'd done a William Morris tattoo on his leg; then an old-school heart upon his wife, then the new moon upon me, on the evening of the new moon, whilst listening to the Cure and Deathstars in his conservatory!

but even tho' i say that its the last, I'm already thinking of a peacock feather around the other arm...and I don't care for even numbers, so I'd have to get another....

after the bats & dorian gray, my next birthday treat was a trip to the Northern Ballet's version of Dracula which was hugely entertaining & I loved every miute of it (ecept for a bit with the human boys dancing...i wasn't intersted in THEM i wanted more vampire action! ) but it was fantastic....I was a little bit tempted to write FANGtastic then, because i've had one too many blackberry martinis & slices of birthday cake.




Amonst other delights I've been given a framed poster of nosferatu (the Klaus kinski version), the sequel to dracula by some other Stoker, which i shall read with interest, & those lanterns you put little fires in & set off to float into the heavens. And some boots. And more books.

yesterday morning, I opened the front door to let one cat in and one cat out, and two bats - yes BATS!!!! - were chasing one another directly outside my house. I realised that they were going in & out of a tiny hole directly underneath my gutter & can only assume they are an early birthday present. Just what I wanted!





in the evening (Isabella hiding in my bag) we went to see 'Dorian Gray', which was fine, but most astonishly the actor playing Dorian was extremely like my eldest son in appearance & I kept nudging T. when the resemblance was at its most striking!

I persuaded myself to return to Northumberland




I had the opportunity to go up for a few hours today, & usually I decline, its too painful, I get so homesick & miss my family so much, but I decided that I would do it today & I'm so glad! I did cry a little in certain places and couldn't bring myself to look at our house (now converted into flats) but did touch the garden wall & saw new trees are planted in the garden.

I took dozens of photographs and hope to go again soon. I told T. that if things don't work out with us, returning to Northumberland is my Plan B. As soon as we arrived on the right side of the Tyne, I felt myself relax!

I didn't have time to go everywhere of course, so I limited myself to property formerly owned by my family.....some of it gone in these past years.....and not a single member of my once extensive clan left in the area.

The downfall was a taste for exotic men (Hungarian, Lebanese, Cypriot etc - best not mention MY father, last seen vanishing off to Appelby Horse Fair & never seen again!!!) and too many Catholic children! Everything divided & divided & divided again & used as escape routes. And those unwed aunties who left everything to the CHurch, that didn't help either.

everything gone now except the trees we planted (not such a bad legacy)

as all my aunties are passed away to either Heaven or new countries (Hungary & Australia being the most popular choices for my aunties) I had to find someone else - a stranger & a gadji!!!!! - to read my palm. I felt it was time for a second opinion.

I was very impressed by him; he knew I'd lived in Ireland, worked as a teacher, had trouble with my eyesight lately, hadn't been to as many places as I was meant to, loved horses & cats, how many children, relationships ,identified all my preoccupations & idiosyncrasies.....and then, just as we were moving into answering my questions, he was called away!

So, I plan to make another appointment with him (he didn't charge me for this one)as I'd like some clarity.......I have lots of questions; the most important being, what should i be doing to make a living????

(he worringly said that I'd be a medium when I'm older, but i hope not! I'm scared of ghosts!!!!)

I HAVE to lose weight; its getting ridiculous now...

does any one have any suggestions as to clever ways middle aged women, who used to be skinny, can stop piling on the pounds???

I'm pretty much a vegetarian, do yoga & belly dancing & walk everywhere; I don't have puddings, I don't have a sweet tooth, yet I am expanding into a barrel...I've gained 1 1/2 stone since my last birthday.

Any suggestions????